The medical condition of Authoritis


Condition: Authoritis

Overview: This condition strikes one in every four writers. Though it is not considered highly contagious, it is possible to become contaminated by frequent contact with other would-be novelists. Though rarely fatal, it has caused pimple breakouts in 34% of forty-year-old men, and in some cases angry muttering while standing in the unemployment line.

Currently, there is no vaccine for this condition.

Types of Authoritis: There are three primary forms of Authoritis.

  1. Most common – Highly sensitive Authoritis. The contaminated individual feels great pain with any criticism of his or her writing.
  2. Thank you, but Authoritis. Marked by a great fear that someone will force them to change their writing style. A common refrain, “I want to keep my voice as it is, I don’t want a publisher telling me how to write.”
  3. Forty-five revision Authoritis. Marked by frequent bouts of, “I find something new to fix no matter how many times I edit.”

Symptoms: 1. A tendency to repeat, “I’ll never be any good.”

                  2. The patient can often be overheard rehearsing statements like – “To be honest, Oprah, I never thought it would do so well.” Or “It is such an honor to accept the Pulitzer Prize, thank you.”

                  3. Constantly confusing there and their.

                   4. A nagging itch, followed by, “Damn, I’m telling rather than showing.”

                  5. Frequent justification of – “It isn’t plagiarism if I write. It was kinda the best of days and kinda the worst of days.

Causes: 1. Obsession with semi-colons, ellipses, nine syllable words, and a passion for re-reading Fifty Shades of Gray eighteen times.

              2. Fall back career after being fired from McDonalds.

             3. Thinking great poetry begins with roses are red, violets are blue.

              4. An ego only slightly larger than that of Donald Trump.

Complications: 1. A desire to begin wearing a beret, or growing a Hemingway like beard.

                        2. Naming your blog site some outrageous name such as

                        3. Compulsive buying of pens to sign copies of your yet to be published book.

Treatment: Although there is no known cure, symptoms can be reduced by:

  1. Large doses of single-malt Scotch. (Warning: Do not exceed 30 oz. in any 24-hour period.)
  2. Receiving 900 rejection letters from your favorite publication, Most Boring Short Stories in 2020. (If you use this method, be sure and first remove all razor blades in your home.)
  3. Replacing writing with a hobby, such as skydiving without a parachute.
  4. In extreme cases of Authoritis, you might consider having your ego surgically removed and stuffed by a taxidermist.

Disclaimer: The author of this piece is neither a medical doctor nor a trained professional in any field. The above information is provided only as a casual observation and should be taken as such. In no way is there (or is it their) any attempt to provide medical advice.

The best of luck and success. Go well. David

4 thoughts on “The medical condition of Authoritis

  1. After reading this, there’s another remedy I discovered. And that’s ‘smile more and talk less’ which savors and saves the impetus to extrapolate words onto paper.


  2. Dr. David,
    I just bought some pens to use for book signings. I think I might have authoritis. Please advise…


  3. Deb, I think you are safe, at least for the time being. Your book is published, so that gives you some protection. I would suggest though if you start seeing a bit of beard stubble, shave immediately and call your doctor. Immediate intervention is sometimes needed.


  4. Love this post! I was laughing out loud while reading it and my partner keep looking at me askance. I may have been instrumental in getting one of your readers into a certain pen… I need to hang out with you (maskless) and hopefully catch the writing bug, but I don’t want the side effects, just the writing part.


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