Amazonia – Where You Matter

11-27-2020

          Writing in second person point of view is seldom attempted and can be confusing. It is often reserved for “How-to” writing, or for recipes. As an example, “For Skunk Stew, you will need one skunk, (freshly dead or frozen) potatoes, carrots and don’t forget your face mask.” You get the idea of 2nd person POV. Below is an attempt to provide a clear, concise, and vastly illuminating illustration of this form of writing.

Amazonia New Employee Orientation—Spring 2026

          Welcome to all you winners. Winners because you have been selected to represent the greatest company in the universe. – Amazonia. You are now a new employee among the elite of the most elite. You work for The Greatest company in the universe.

A summary of Amazonia’s successes during 2025.

          In the past year, Amazonia was able to bankrupt thirty-seven of the countries’ Fortune Five Hundred companies. In our ongoing obsession with growth, Amazonia is proud to humbly say we take full credit for shutting down 156,210 mom and pop businesses in the US of A. Our 2026 goal is to close another 300,000 small community businesses. With your help, we will achieve that lofty goal. Profits soared to a record $327 gazillion dollars. The founder of Amazonia takes pride in knowing his wealth is now 35 times that of the combined wealth of the other 7,800,000,000 people on the planet.

          What about company philanthropy, you ask? During the past year, Amazonia generously donated 00012% of one half day’s profits to the Amazonia Retired Executive Golf Club. Giving back where it’s most needed.

Your benefits as an Amazonian Gold-Star Employee

  1. You can expect to receive a ½% increase in salary after five years of full-time employment, assuming you have no blemishes on your work history. Such infractions include but are not limited to 1. Missed a shift for any reason. 2. Disagreement with a supervisor about anything. 3. Hesitated to come to work during a blizzard, hospitalization, vacation on Unalaska Island or your Mother’s funeral. 4. Failure to salute and praise Amazonia in the presence of any senior staff member. (Please see remaining 219 work infractions in Employees Manual.)
  2. After 10 years of full-time employment, you will be eligible for Amazonia’s Diamond Health Care Policy. Imagine having no worries about hospital costs if your entire immediate and extended family is stricken with malaria, leprosy, or starvation from world famine. Imagine no concerns regarding burial costs if your family is wiped out by a tsunami. (Restrictions apply regarding uncles who have a history of alcohol problems.) What about my income if I suddenly come down with beriberi? No Problem. Amazonia will guarantee 5% of your weekly income for up to two weeks. Amazonia cares about you.

Retirement from Amazonia

          Amazonia has adopted an extremely generous age-old formula for your retirement years. It is called the 155 Golden Years Retirement Program. Here is how it works. After you’ve reached a combined 155 years of age and employment, it immediately begins. You may feel fully confident of a guaranteed monthly income of 6% of your starting salary for the rest of your life. Here is an example. You begin your employment at Amazonia when you are 32 years old. After you reach 93.5 years of age and have completed 61.5 years of Amazonia employment, you’re all set to relax and live out the rest of your life in financial security.

          Now that you’ve been selected by Amazonia, prepare yourself for a bright and fulfilling career.

          We’ve saved our two best benefits for last. Your Amazonia loyalty bonus. Beginning on your 25th. anniversary with Amazonia, the company will add one-half hour to your earned vacation time. This benefit added for each five years in which you have not missed a day of work. Imagine, after only twenty-five years in your wonderful career with Amazonia, you will earn 2.5 hours of additional vacation time. Time you can spend with your middle-aged children, a few more hours of dream vacation time at Motel-6 in Oklahoma City or at The Neptune Society planning for your cremation needs. You will have that extra hour needed to shop at Walmart. Please be advised that shopping at Walmart is a Class-A employment termination offense.

          Your second new bonus opportunity as a new employee is our “Close Down a Family Business” benefit. Upon substantiated proof that you have personally been responsible for the permanent closing or bankruptcy filing for any immediate family member business, you will receive a five dollar Amazonia gift certificate and a framed certificate stating you screwed-over a family member.

Welcome to Amazonia. Remember our motto. “You Matter at Amazonia.” (restrictions apply.)

I hope this piece of literary instruction has been beneficial. Go well. David

“It’s always better to receive than to give. Especially if it’s Christmas, Thanksgiving, or your birthday. Hell, it’s always a good day to receive.” An Anonymous Rich Guy

Denni’s Wise Words

“Always be generous. Especially with your dogs. We make the world a much better place.” Denni

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s